How Not to Bribe Your Child

If you’re a parent, you know you’re as guilty of this as I am: offering a treat in return for a few minutes of peaceful grocery shopping, or making an outrageous promise to take your child to her favorite fast-food restaurant in return for good behavior at a social function. It’s called bribery, and the parenting experts say it does your child no long-term favors because it “cultivates a sense of entitlement which is a prescription for a lifetime of unhappiness,” according to Jim Fay, an expert who often writes for Parenting magazine. Although the short-term results may satisfy a parent, in the long-term, a child will grow up expecting to always be rewarded for basic behaviors that they should be able to perform without expectations of payment or reward.

The experts say that there are three methods of parenting: through positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, and bribery. All of them agree that positive reinforcement benefits children most because it is an incentive that’s offered before a confrontation. Because it’s being offered before the bad behavior occurs, the parent can be in charge of all the terms involved. Negative reinforcement is a threat of punishment in order to extract good behavior from children. Positive and negative reinforcements are two sides of the same coin, but positive reinforcement doesn’t instill fear in children so they learn good behaviors and choose to perform them of their own free will.

There are many positive ways to prompt your child to perform good behaviors without bribery; it just takes a little self-discipline and patience on your part as a parent to be successful at it. Although it may seem almost impossible to deal with kids without some form of bribery, it is very possible to accomplish it if you take it one step at a time. The first step: know your child. By this, I mean know what makes your child tick; what she likes or dislikes, what her fears or favorites are, so that when coming up with a solution to negative behavior, you can communicate with your child by speaking her language. Although it’s definitely helpful to be aware of what your child’s fears are, be careful not to use them as a threat because this is a form of negative reinforcement.

It is also recommended by parenting experts that parents treat their child as they would other people in their lives and that they model the behavior they expect to see in their child. As Mahatma Gandhi wisely suggested, “Be the change you want to see in your family.” Treating your child with maturity and respect will teach her to return the same to others around her.

Once you understand how your child’s mind works and you start modeling the behavior you expect from your child, you can start brainstorming about which kinds of positive reinforcements would work. Stressed-out parents oftentimes are the ones who fall back on bribery because they’re too exhausted to think of a different solution on the spot. Brainstorming ahead of time can give parents several alternatives to bribery. In addition, it never hurts to make sure you take care of yourself too. De-stress yourself by taking a few minutes to indulge in a small, simple pleasure like reading a favorite magazine or book, meditating, or doing a yoga pose. Taking time out to perform these little pleasures will prevent you from making outrageous promises in a stressful situation.

I’ve unknowingly applied a lot of this knowledge in my case already, and it’s worked! Knowing that my son is obsessed with trains, I sometimes offer to drive by the train tracks and warehouse near our home if he behaves on our outings. A small thing like seeing the trains on the tracks is something my son enjoys immensely and it always works like a charm on him. On the other hand, I’ve discovered that although she’s only two years old, my daughter basks in verbal praises more than her brother. Whether it’s about how pretty her hair looks or what a good girl she was at the grocery store, she always glows when given praises with a kiss or hug. This has taught her to behave well without me even asking for it most of the time. But just in case, I’ve also made it a habit to get a promise of good behavior from my kids before we head out the door; simply enough, I hold them to it. If they misbehave, I bring up the promise and they seem to understand despite just being toddlers.

I’ve also learned that my children dislike seeing me sad, upset, or mad so I always say to them during tantrums that I’m feeling one of these things because of their behavior and 99% of the time, they try to make me happy again. In return, I give them plenty of praises, hugs, and kisses for their self-control and maturity. The best positive reinforcements are simple but powerful actions such as giving your child a pat on the back or a smile. When I think back on my own childhood, I realize that this statement is very true. To see how effective it is on my own children is proof enough that simple rewards go the farthest.

As far as positive reinforcements go, the parenting experts say to match the reward to the behavior; for a small act performed, a small reward and for a bigger act, a bigger reward. So it would not send the right message to reward a child with a Nintendo DS for a small task such as brushing her teeth but perhaps a small reward like an extra bedtime story would be more appropriate. I personally tend to shy away from material rewards because my kids are still so young and are just now learning how to ask for their favorite toys. If I constantly offer those as rewards, I know they will come to expect them whenever we go out. At this stage of their childhood, I’m content to use the promise and praise technique. I’ve noticed that making them accountable for their own actions now is a great way to teach them behaviors that are needed in adulthood. Taking them on outings has turned into a pleasure instead of one big headache because of this.

So do I still fall back on bribes every once in awhile? Very rarely. I’ve learned to deal with my kids in a smarter way: by listening to them, learning, and applying these simple tactics. Consistent expectations and good preparation helps to stave off public tantrums too. I know that if I’m taking them to the store to run errands, I’m prepared with their favorite toys, juice boxes and snacks before we even head out. Being prepared is a talent every parent needs to master and it may start out rough at first, but once you get a handle on it, the road stays smooth for a long time. A bonus about being prepared: it keeps the bribes away!